itsdawley

wow. havent done this in a long ass time...

well im sick, it sucks, i cant talk.

Current Mood: tired

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write
over and over again
I'm awake and in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and
over again
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope
Sing to me of the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have
for me over again

idk what to SOMEONE HELP MEEE!!! PLEASE , ive never felt like this ....im fallinf for a computer person that ive never meet, im setting myslef up for total devistation...i i i idk i cant stop think about him and i dont even know him but but omg he is amazing but then again he could be a rapest but but i meet him from myspace but still and omg i  cant stop thinking about him and i just want to hear his voice and im so tempted to just meet him i dont care but then i could get raped or something thats y im so confused he soundslike hes for real but ya jus never know BUT OMG idk someone help!! heather ? abbie? lynnette??anyone!! what do i do!

i went to THE ART STORE today and its so overwelming i love it and i bought 4 99cent canvases and i saw that there was silk screeening stufff and im going to buy it wen i get money and   need money!

Current Mood: hopeful

Come Thurs. Morn' I smell the pits
But hey, it aint that bad
I, could of sworn I bathed last week
And scrubbed like a good [girl]
I like to stink just a little bit
Just to keep you on your toes
Yes, The more I stink the more I think
That you smell like a ROSE

Current Mood: dirty

wow i never thought i'd see the day...one of the sweetest boys leaves for neveda tommorow...idk i hugged him bye and i just wanted to stay hugging him forever, i could let him go...i will miss him sooo much, idk hes so easy to talk to and if theirs something i cant say to elissa i know i can tell him GOD i hate goodbyes, im trying really really hard not to cry , idk i dont think its hit me yet idk and elissa leaves the 26th ( next thursday) and have i hung out w/ her at all NO cuz ince ive been home alll shes cared about was scotty but now he's leaveing i_i
(HEATHER FACE) god damn y do ppl have to grow up? grow apart? grow stupid?? ahh i cant say goodbye to elissa idk nomatter how made she makes me, no matter how frusterated i get, no matter how long she keeps me waiting or how long she ignores me i love her soo much idk what it is she pisses me off all the time but i cant deniy her anything i cant say anything to her face cuz i want her to be happy and and i cant say goodbye i cant do it i dontknow how, she means so much to me, knowing shes not 5 mins away it will kill me i need her, shes helped me through somuch and can always make me laugh and i said bye once and i cant do it GOD damnit i hate goodbyes so much, ihate to cry in front of ppl, i tryed so hard not to cry at the end of nysssa but bye the end i could help it i just balled, and i want to cry soo bad right now but i cant idk y...AHHHHHHHHHHHH i just want to scream, i want someone to reensure me every thing will be ok....i want jason, or ricky ....no i cant have ricky no matter what....jasons an ass....RAY omg i want to meet him so bad but im a little skechy sinc i meet him onine idk but so far he seems sooooo amzing and his pics are HOTT and he and ah and wow and awww and he makes me speechless and he said he told his friends about me ( but said we meet at the mall) and he calls me baby, and sweets and he said " ciao bella amor" ( bye beutiful love) and idk i love it but it sucks cuz idk him in person and idk i just dont know..........OMG OMG OMG OMG i jus figured it out!!!!!!!!!!! RAY he and ricky and omg ray reminds me of ricky so much omg!! geeeezzz ........ i miss scotty already, he has faith in me not to make stupid desicons and i hurt so much right now, i just dont whats real and whats not and idk whos real, idk whoomy friends are anymore, n sccr im always left w/o a partner and im spose to be a captain but never treated like one by the coaches and its so dicouraging and god idk anymore

Current Mood: lonely

idk what im going to do w/ my self! jasonjus wants to be fiends and at first that was BAD BAD BAD but then i started talking to this kid from myspace named raymond and wow hes so cool but he = 22 but omg hott hott italien boy http://www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=2976819&friendName=Raymond&Mytoken=20040818191017
and oh man we have so much in common and he is so esay to talk to and oh myoh my
gee golly

CM Punk AAR: You know
CM Punk AAR: Not to sound mean
CM Punk AAR: But
CM Punk AAR: Im kind of glad that guy got impatient with you:-[

him talking about jason ....AHH idk what to do icant talk about him to anyone around here except maybe lynnette cuz everyones all like eww meeting boys online = bad butbutbut ohmy oh my oh my i just dont know! and he live like 30 mins away and my oh my oh my!

Current Mood: ditzy

just fucking friends because ppl are pissing him off and he has alot of shit to deal with so now other ppl are a factor in what we had fuck nysssa i shouldnt have gone cuz the best thing i had is gone again cuz his fucking ex will slit her rist if he stops talking to her and hes too nice for that !

OK so HA i went to putput again w/ ricky again just us again and it was even better than b4 cuz we got 100 coins for 10$ and we ended up with 2,328 tickets and i so got a UMBRELLA HAT in which i am wereing at this moment cuz itss raining in the basement!! HA and it pisses lindsey and everyone else in world off cuz im always w/ him and he has a difff g/f and he tells me how much hes gunna miss when hes on vacation and the world knows that he was mine first and lindsays an ass for not taking my feelings in to consideration when she started dating him less than a week after we broke up and i know godamn well that she was a rebound chick jus cuz she was all the fuck over him and i miss him and jasons an ass latly and i miss him too but i like him more but not right now cuz im mad at him but everyone knows that all he has to do is say sorry and smile like he does and it will be ok and he prolly wont say srry jus smile and whooo i love his smile and his eyes and wow HOTT ok so i have an umbrella on my head and u dont! omg i say nette today i stoped at her houise and surprised her she was surprised! HA go me!

My Special List

I have a list of folks I know
All written in a book
And every now and then
I go and take a look
That is when I relize
These names they are a part
Not of the book they are written in
But taken from the heart
For each name stands for someone
Who has crossed my path sometime
And in the meeting they have become
The reason and the rhyme
Although it sounds fantastic
For me to make this claim
I really am composed
Of each remembered name
Although your not aware
Of any special link
Just knowing you have shaped my life
More than you think
So please dont think my greeting
As just a mere routine
Your name was not
Forgotten in between
For when I send a greeting
that is addresed to you
It is because you're on the list
Of folks I'm indebted to
So whether I have known you
For many days or few
In some way you have a part
In shaping what I do
I am but a total
Of many folks I've meet
You are a friend I would prefer
Never to forget

"The pressure is building I want to break away
Motivation is lacking the point starts to fade
I look to my bottom still empty still the same
I'm waiting for something to show me the way
To the path that I should take
It's just too real to go ahead and fake
Every step that I make
Name your price I would give anything I would give anything
I want to start over again"

what a fun filled weekend...i supose...haha, so this weekend i went to SPLASH LAGOON in erie, PA " the biggest indoor water park in ......" in somewhere i forgot where lol but yeah it was basically forcede family bonding time and as usualle amandas nonstop pms bitchy ness became a factor but w/e we do what seh wants cuz mom wants to be family so we have to folloow her whcih kinda pissed me off but yeah anywhoo it was more for younger kids but you all know me im the biggest little kid you;ll ever meet so naturaly i had a blast, there was an arcade and water slides and food, i love food, oh oh and life gaurds!! haha male life gaurds yumyum they were all pretty cute i was happy and all the old guys w/ wicked hairy backs and arms and bellys and i was nasty! haha oh in our hotel room we had a juccuzie yeah i stay there for like hours w. bubbles and oh man i amuzed for quite a long time! and i took massive amount of lil things from the hotel and it made me happy, ok so i got voted to the sofa bed thing and for like an hour i was thinking oabout wether or not it was a couch or a bed i was so confused but then after i went sleepy i had the best dream ever!! ok so it starts out im like sitting at hoimenad all of a sudden julies like stalking aroudnd looking through windowas and what not and so woo  i was excited cuz it was julie and i missed her aso after we hugged hello and what not and started hanging out all of a sudden everyone was there i mean everyone! lynnette, abbie, heahther , me  and julie and we hungout forever and it made me happy but then my dad started snoring and i woke up but oh well it made me ahppy adn then today we went back to the water park for a little bit and OH MY FUCKING GOODNESS! they had soft mint chocolate chip ice cream SOFT omg i almost peed me pants i was so happy and thats that

friday night was eh.... i hung out w/ moe cuz i thought we were jus gunna chill , but i was wrong .....and basically i gave in, became a "sheep" and prove lynnette right, but ppl seemed happy to see me but that was also afer a while after had a few drinks and some hits weed but i didnt go crazy cuz i knew i had to drive home so after all that i was almost pissing myself on the way home cuz i was scared i was gunna crash and all but yeah i talked to abbie some and i geuss my typeing was terriable and idk i just feel bad for even talking to her like that idk im an idoit and my hopes of changeing are are idk they are wrong i geuss i cant escape it not yet at leaset maybe once school starts then it will change

more god damn fucking goodbyes, elissas b/f scotty is leaveing fridayfor college and he has to be one of the fuckin sweetest boys i ever meet ( besides ricky of course) but omg he is so fucking sweet and hott wicked hott but its gunna be so hard to say good bye to him , i just cant imagine what elissa is going through but idk in a way im glad he is leaveing first b/c  maybe ill get my best friend back at least for 6 days cuz then she leaves too i hate goodbyes i cant handle them, i already said good bye to elissa once after her car accident when they said they didnt know if she was going to live..... that was the worst thing i ever went through i know shes just gonig to college but but i cant say goodbye again idk i cant do it i need her here w/ me even if i dont see here i need to know she still cares and if shes gone i wont be sure and i know shes scared to go and i dont want her to be and idk i just cant say good bye again i cant do it!!!!!!

jason is hott, i am not, jason is hott thats all there is to it and he is 17 and his parents dont give a shit what he does and he is single so he is never home and hes hott but thats besides the point the point is that we use to talk, and weve kissed and held hands and yeah and i know he hates his ex and jus recently we went to the drive ins and yeah and i know he has feeluings of some sort for me but he sucks at showing them sometimes he is always to busy to talk or to hang out and as my mom said " you two have a weird relationship...you only see ech other on thrusday" and that seems to be true and unfortuanatly its only sunday so i got 4 more days til i get to see him if thats how things are gong to be but idk i wanna give u but i cant cuz he calls me babe and send me kissy faces and it jus makes me melt and oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo  man i like him alot

summer is officaly over tommorw b/c its preseaon ....2 weeks of soccer 2 time a day ..... and in the dictionary it is defined as HELL so i love eveyone so much and im gald i meet you all u all rock m socs off BUT IM GOING TO DIE TOMMOROW!!!

Current Mood: good

whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ok so yeasterday i went to the dmv and recived my night licene, that was exciting, then i went to get my hair cut and chrissy ( my haircutter ) has a monster truck ans its wicked awsome anyways she cutted my hair and attemted to get the pink out cuz my mom said so and so now my bangs are wicked light w/ a tint of baby pink ....i like it ... oh and the whole time im doing all this im babysitting for this 11yr old named austin he is cool and i felt bad for draging him around so we got mcyD's then i went to jasons softballs games, he had a double header, and from there we ventured to the drive ing I DROVE AT NIGHT!!! yeah i almost hit a coon it was scary , so we get to thee dirve and saw the villiage ( dont ecomend it ) but half way through the movie his ex g/f calls and starts bitchin at him for some reason and he yells at her and blah blah blha and he hangs up and is all like "I fucking hate her" and i was happy cuz i knew he ment it cuz the only reason he keeps talking to her is b/c she threaten to hurt herslef which isnt cool at all OH YEAH then we saw irobot which is an awsome movie cuz will smith is HOTT but really it is a good movie all in all I LOVE DRIVEIN's lol ( by the way i proved u wrong lynnette) awwwwwww i was gunna watch the stars last night cuz it was 1:30 o clok when i got home but it was rainy and cloudy and i was pissed cuz ive been waiting for this a loong time so then i dreamed about it and lil aliens in a green and purple ship came is whoa they were so cute and nice and i want one and hmmmm i get to babysit again at 2 which is good cuz i need cash and oh yeah moe asked to hangout tonight so im going to cuz i miss her but idk we'll see how that goes omg my movie is awsome so far i love y'all will love it oh and i filled my stupid tnak on teusday and now i got half a tank left damn erans i have to run for my parents ahhh oh well w/e i like had to grow up all at once in like a week b/c of that car but its cool I(M COOL YOUR COOL WOOOOOOOOOOO

Current Mood: crazy

You and me
We used to be together
Every day together
always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real,
Well I don't want to know
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts
It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...

true friends are fucking wicked hard to find but once you found them you know it and i thank god i found them Heather Kelly, Ricky Judge, Lynnette Gall, Abbie Cianfrocco, Heather Fucking Kahn, and Julie Heiniken .... and i didnt realize this soon enough but i do know and i thank god i have them cuz w/o them i'd be lost and most like in the hospital getting my stomach pumped or dead and i was talking to lynnette tonight about alot of things drung and bad stuff esoecially and she cared what i did and i could tell she really did and idk the way it made me feel jus to know she cared that much i wanted to cry and i loved it idk im wierd i kinow but that feeling of being cared for i need it i long for it and i found it and im gunna prove to every one i dont need drug and shit

Current Mood: loved
Current Music: swichfoot - ment to live

so yeah i say im gunna stop my evil ways of following the crowd but no no im a liar liar pants on fire and idk i give in...thursday im gunna smoke w/ jason at the drive in ....he said he'd by and w/e he cute when he's high... omg he has those sexy things ... i wentby his house to get moeny and he had his shirt off cuz he never weres a shirt in his house so naturally i was checkin him out and omfg he has sexy things and i was like ahhh i wanna jump on u now hahaha hey it happens .... so i have to try my best to keep in touch w/ lynnette but its so weird to get use to i never was great friends w/ her adn now i love her and idk its awsoem so i have to try really hard to keep calling her cuz im still waiting for all4 of my nysssa buddys to come around the corner and be like BAH here we r but it deosnt happen..... so i babysat today until like from 6AM to 2pm and made about 40$ and now i have 6$ left cuz i had to fill my gas tank w/ sucked and i went to the clubhouse w/ ricky and rode minicarts and it was a blast ... just be and ricky most the day i had alot of fun... he threw my chap stick out the window of my car so i turned around and made him find it it was wicked funny and did i mention it pissed his g/f of cuz i was w/ him it made me laugh cuz she thinks she owns him but nonono I own him...HAHA j/k and did i also mention jason is really hott oh yeah deff is  yeah yeah yeah uhhh so yeah im a sheep ( in abbie words) and i hate it but idk its reaally hard not to be and i dont want to but its everydoes it and well maybe ill jus be DD then i cant drink idk im so confused about all  this its confusing  idk w/e all in all everythings been pretty good even though ive been complaining alot

Current Mood: amused

so yeah i say im gunna stop my evil ways of following the crowd but no no im a liar liar pants on fire and idk i give in...thursday im gunna smoke w/ jason at the drive in ....he said he'd by and w/e he cute when he's high... omg he has those sexy things ... i wentby his house to get moeny and he had his shirt off cuz he never weres a shirt in his house so naturally i was checkin him out and omfg he has sexy things and i was like ahhh i wanna jump on u now hahaha hey it happens .... so i have to try my best to keep in touch w/ lynnette but its so weird to get use to i never was great friends w/ her adn now i love her and idk its awsoem so i have to try really hard to keep calling her cuz im still waiting for all4 of my nysssa buddys to come around the corner and be like BAH here we r but it deosnt happen..... so i babysat today until like from 6AM to 2pm and made about 40$ and now i have 6$ left cuz i had to fill my gas tank w/ sucked and i went to the clubhouse w/ ricky and rode minicarts and it was a blast ... just be and ricky most the day i had alot of fun... he threw my chap stick out the window of my car so i turned around and made him find it it was wicked funny and did i mention it pissed his g/f of cuz i was w/ him it made me laugh cuz she thinks she owns him but nonono I own him...HAHA j/k and did i also mention jason is really hott oh yeah deff is  yeah yeah yeah uhhh so yeah im a sheep ( in abbie words) and i hate it but idk its reaally hard not to be and i dont want to but its everydoes it and well maybe ill jus be DD then i cant drink idk im so confused about all this its confusing

Current Mood: amused

wow so lots of emotions flying around today

i went to my cousins graduation party today and i saw my ex... and of course every time i see him my heart starts to race and i alway think maybe theres still a small chance for something but no he has a new "woman" as they said also named sarah who is really pretty and nice and yeah w/e it still hurts to see huim w/ other chicks and jus hurts to know i fucked it all up b/w us even tho its been a wicked long time my nieve self ruined something great and im not over him i geuss even tho i like jason alot its just when i see him i fall in love again w/ him all over and it sucks

and i was think as much as i like ricky i much rather have him as my best friend cuz that way i wont beable to lose him and love hangf out with him its so so much fun and thats were we come back to jason i like jason i have since 4th grade and i hope things keep going like they are cuz that would be good ( hahaha im talking to him now and asking hiom about it cuz he's high and its funny so i dont feel funny asking him ...cuz he is high...lol)

yeah so back to this never ending battle w/ drugs and alcohol ....idk what to do jason is picking up on .... ricky doesnt like it .... ppl will like me better if i do .... but then ppl wont if i do and wont if i dont and i cant win

julie called today on the telephone!!! she got the awsering mashine...i had to listen to it twice cuz some one stole her vioce hahaha cuz it damn well wasnt her vouice

my habds smell like cat butt

omg i hate guys that flirt w/ u like crazy but dont like u like that and ahh they jus send the totaly wrong signals and it so confuseing and it sucks

"...i hurt myself today to see if i still feel pain. i focus on the pain, the only thing that's real. the needle tears a hole, the old familar sting. try to kill it away, but i remember everything. what have i become? my sweetest friend, everyone i know goes away in the end. ..."

Current Mood: numb

ok so here's the skinny.... ricky came over tonight, and i remember y i wanted to stop drinking and shit ...b/c of him , b/c of nysssa, b/c of the fun i know i can have w/o it, and i also remembered y im so in love w/ him ......b/c he is amazing and i love that were best friends and oh wait i fogot one thing HE HAS A FUCKING G/F and it sucks major monkey balls and then and then theirs jason idk what im going to do w/ that one i love him too but i dont see any love flying baqck at me so w/e WHAT THE FUCKING EVER i'll just let it float if he wants to be mushy one day and not the next thats cool were not going out i have no restriction on guys right but wait that wouls classify me as a slut but guys can bounce from chick to chick and be cool pimp daddys not girls tho but i dont care w/e guy are guys are guys im in love w/ one that i cant have and i mean in love like omg i love you hahaha and then the other one is just blah i like you day sarah but not today boppty dooo ladeda so w/e i jus say day by day night by night sooner or later it will all be right!!! whoooo go poem/ryming skills YAYAYAYAY ok i am wicked wicked sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy

OMG i got mail today from heather FUCKING kahn!!! i was sosososos happpy i was all  like aWW i got mail wwhooo so i got write her bqack tonight and i mise well write every one else to cuz im wicked hyper can you tell whooo

oh i also almost broke my finger its coool i told like everyone just cuz its all pretty colors and i thinks its coool hahahah

Current Mood: angry

first....does anyone read this cuz if not i might stop or keep goin for my own benifit, but if u read it leave something so i know im not rambling to computer chips

ok so nysssa was a bad idea, i should have gone, cuz now jasons NEVER home, not the same person when i left and i dont think things will be same as b4 i left its over, nothing will evolve from what we had and that hurts alot cuz i know damn well that being away jus made me want him more....but i geuss ya know hes single,about 18, pretty damn cute, and doesnt have to bother please one girl anymore and when i desided i didnt wanna drink any more he tells me thes starting to drink evey weekend i cant win on the drinking thing im so confused .... my sccr buddies want me to help them build an awsome beer pong table and im excited to build it jus cuz i like buiding things its fun and i get to paint on it and everything so that will be fun to make only in that sence and idk my friend moe is buying like alot of weed she said and AHHH soo good...but NO and idk and i jus dont wanna get that kind of reputation and idk what to do ..... all i really want are friends thats what i want the most friends that will call and ask me to go and do thngs with them not friends who act like they care in school but never try to see me other than that and whos to tell me how to act and take care of my body anyways  ah i can dress how i want and put lotion not on if i dont want and be dirty and thats me i dont wanna change so i can catch some guys attention hell yeah i love bys dont get me wrong but to change who i am jus for them hell no i want a guy i dont have to change for i wanna catch their eye by being myslf not some slut ass hhore and im scared to call lynnette cuz i miss her and nysssa so so so so much and even tho shes close idk i jus wanna i dont want i want but i know im scared to call for some reason i can feel it in my gut and SHIT my sisters birthdays tommorow i gottoa go buy i present!!!!!!!!!

Current Mood: drained

Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I can't go on living this way